Ryan_tan

A very humble boy boy

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08 Mar 17
490

Anxiety Disorder

Since young, I am a sufferer from obsessive anxiety disorder. I do not dare to tell people about my problem because I always worry people might judge me and feel I am weird. my OCD is mainly focus on Pure O OCD, which mean I like to think of answers for every question I have in mind, and I like to do thing in very perfect way. I will feel panic if I cannot find the answer for me. My questions can range from everyday stuffs to very philosophy stuffs, strange and weird thoughts keep coming into my mind. My life is mess and my condition is very bad. During my O level times, it have been seriously affect my studies. I am not able to focus in class, yet I do not have the knowledge nor the ability to understand this as an illness. Eventually I didn't well for my O level and I end up in ITE. In 2013, my OCD getting serious, I am already 23 years old man, I start to google about my conditions. I realise I may be suffering from anxiety disorder. It have gotten so bad that I have problem falling asleep. I was so scare, so worry. My mum, was very worried about me, and send me to see psycharist at the age of 23, I felt very touched. The doctor advise me to stop taking coffee and alcoholic drink. In fact I don't drink any Alcohol drink since then. 2014, I manage to get in NTU, and I start my life afresh. I stop hiding my condition and I learnt to accept my condition, I am still under medication till today. Nowadays, I try to help the people around me as much as possible, and try to give back to community as much as possible. I jogs everyday, and learn to relax and let of desires. I feel that there is a lot of meaning in life beside GPA and results. And I find a new definition for "Success". For e.g. 2016, I participated in a program that help a hearing impaired student in Computer Science to take note and explain to him the lecture content and lab content. “I must be willing to give whatever it takes to do good to others. This requires that I be willing to give until it hurts. Otherwise, there is no true love in me, and I bring injustice, not peace, to those around me.” ― Mother Teresa

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02 May 17
593

Depression is humiliating

It turns intelligent, kind people into zombies who can’t wash a dish or change their socks. It affects the ability to think clearly, to feel anything, to ascribe value to your lifelong passions, your relative good fortune. It scoops out your normal healthy ability to cope with bad days and bad news, and replaces it with an unrecognizable sludge that finds no pleasure, no delight, no point in anything. You alienate your friends because you can’t comfort yourself socially, you risk your job because you can’t concentrate, you live in moderate squalor because you have no energy to stand up, let alone take out the garbage. You become pathetic and you know it. And you have no capacity to stop the downward plunge. You have no perspective, no emotional reserves, no faith that it will get better. So you feel guilty and ashamed of your inability to deal with life like a regular human, which exacerbates the depression and the isolation. If you’ve never been depressed, thank your lucky stars and back off the folks who take a pill so they can make eye contact with the grocery store cashier. No one on earth would choose the nightmare of depression over an averagely turbulent normal life. It’s not an incapacity to cope with day to day living in the modern world. It’s an incapacity to function. At all. No one chooses it. No one deserves it. It runs in families, it ruins families. You cannot imagine what it takes to feign normalcy, to show up to work, to make a doctors appointment, to pay bills, to walk your dog, to return library books on time, to keep enough toilet paper on hand, when you are exerting most of your capacity on trying not to kill yourself. Depression is real. Compassion is also real. And a depressed person may cling desperately to it until they are out of the woods and they may remember your compassion for the rest of their lives as a force greater than their depression. Have a heart.

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Computer Science Student @ NTU

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