Kylie Schimdt

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I am still in love with my ex although I have a boyfriend

Hi good ppl. I have been in a relationship status for a month now. He is a good man trying his best to make me smile n happy. Always listening to me n have my back all the time. He is loving and our relationship is secure and safe. He is my best friend from two years. But from my side I don't have sparks or butterflies towards him and I'm not happy to be his woman. I'm not sexually attracted to him. And most of the time I'm not thinking of him. I'm thinking about my ex who I broke up 13 months ago . I saw him few weeks ago in my college. He came to say hi to me but I acted cold because I missed him deeply. He was my happiness, my peace of soul n mind. I never felt the way I felt to him. But we broke up because my family forced me to stop seeing him because if his religious beliefs. Every time I'm feeling down I think of my ex and. The good memories we had to make my day better. I keep going to bed crying and I feel lonely without him. Every time I see him around my heart get excited n happy. However I dated many men after we broke up and still couldn't feel or enjoy myself with them and even broke many men's heart because I couldn't develop feelings . Idk what to do w my current man. He truly loves me and introduced me to his family but I don't wanna marry him and I can't see myself w him in few years. I'm not the type who wanna get married but I have been dreaming at.m night that we got back together n having a peaceful relationship again.

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02 Mar 17

I have Dissociative Identity Disorder

In 2013 I was diagnosed with Dissociative Identity Disorder (which was called multiple personality disorder until 1994). Many people live and function within my body. I don't get out much but I've made a couple online friends I email with pretty frequently, and everyone definitely makes friends outside. When we tell someone we've got DID they usually end up hanging out with a couple people more than others, like Emily was best friends with a girl who knew us, but that girl was friends with others too. I don't remember our first switch so I can't answer that too well. I remember the first time I switched in I was confused and pretty scared, because I have "memories" from stuff that happened previous to my coming to the system (a psychhological phenomena that's pretty normal in DID systems) and it was jarringly different. Plus weird body proportions and all that. I'll ask around and see if anyone has more info on the first switch we ever had though. We lived a kind of "double life". School was better than home. It was hell, but it was better than home. I remember feeling small, very afraid of losing things. We were terrified a lot but there were stretches of denial, of not knowing that we were terrified. There was a lot of snow, we were raised in the Colorado foothills, so the winters were long and white and that's one of our most vivid memories from childhood. I don't remember any of the abuse. I know it was probably largely sexual in nature from talking to other alters, but I don't know the full extent of it or who it involved beyond the main perpetrator, a longtime boyfriend of the body's mother. We were gifted in school until around puberty, but struggled socially. I don't think we had any friends until around fifth grade. We were introverted and read a lot, I think.

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02 Mar 17

Have you ever thought about Suicide?

Back in December of 2004 - doesn't seem real it's been almost ten years, I was living in Portland Oregon attending college. I was sitting at home one night, writing my last research paper for the term. I had my Yahoo IM up, chatting to a few friends when a message from someone NOT on my list pops up. "Have you ever thought about suicide?" Uh, ok - weird, but hey it's almost midnight on a Sunday night and stranger things have been asked to me before "Can I see your tits?" etc. So I message the stranger back for kicks, "Sure who hasn't at some point why?" Well asking that question opened pandora's box - he battered me with questions about how I wanted to die, why did I want to die, would I want to die with others etc. Obviously, getting creepier and creepier as the conversation continues. But I play along, assuming the guy is just screwing around with me. I ask him his name, he say's it's Jerry and I ask to see a picture. He sends me to a profile pic on Hot or Not and asks me if I think he's good looking. I tell him sure, yeah your cute whatever. He asks to see a picture of me - I send him a random old photo of a girl on my myspace friends (yes it's that old, I realize now). And he tells me he thinks I"m a 10. Awesome - thanks Jerry, who is obsessed with suicide. As the conversation continues he tells me he's sick of life and women don't seem to be attracted to him, so he wants to end it all. I tell him the things you're supposed to say to people in this situation - relationships are nothing, you're more important to the people in your life - don't do it, blah blah blah - I'm not heartless, but I just don't feel like talking someone off of a ledge at now, 1am. Jerry tells me he's met a lot of women online that want to kill themselves, and that he's planning a party for Valentine's Day (1.5 months from now) so everyone can come and do it together at his house in Klamath Falls Oregon. He asks me if I'm interested in joining. I say, yeah sure but make an excuse that I don't have a car to get down there for it. He tells me there are a few women from Portland coming down for it, and one of them has a van, he's sure I can catch a ride. He say's he's built a beam in his home that will hold up to fifty bodies at once, but that I shouldn't wear shoes because they'll weigh me down. By now, yes I"m starting to realize this guy is acting very serious - and this is in fact NOT a joke. So I start asking him specifics, what his address is, what his full name is, who are the women traveling from Portland. He tells me their names, and that one of them is bringing her five children with her - and that they want to die as well. HUGE RED FLAGS are up at this point. So while I"m still chatting with him, I call a friend of mine back home in Eastern Oregon who works as a 911 dispatcher. She's actually at work when I call her and after telling her the whole story, she advises me to hang up and call Portland Police Department right away - at least give them the info to pass to Klamath Falls. She makes a record in their system that I've called just in case. I keep talking to Jerry and call the Portland Police - they send 2 officers out about an hour later and they pretty much laugh at me when I explain to them what's going on. I print out our chat log, give them the guys full name and address I've already verified through google as being legit - (as far as google can) and they tell me to just quit talking to him. Simple as that and go about their business. Don't I feel stupid now? I call my friend back home and tell her what Portland PD did and she said to keep an eye on things, if he keeps talking just keep saving the conversation. So I do. For another two hours - and things just get to the point where I can't handle him anymore. He's battering me with questions about how do I want to die, wearing clothes or naked? Do I want to have sex before I die? Would I have a problem killing kids before? Would I want to hold hands with others while we hang? Finally I just told him I'd be in touch closer to Valentine's Day. For the most part, I laughed it off with some friends - because Portland PD never got back to me about anything, so of course I assumed it ended up being a very strange prank. Fast Forward - February 10th 2005 a friend of mine calls me while I'm on campus on my way to work, and tells me some guy down in Klamath Falls has been arrested for trying to set up a mass suicide pact for Valentine's Day. I'm floored - I run to my office, log into a computer and sure enough it's everywhere on all news forums. Gerald Krien arrested for plotting Mass Suicide Valentine's Day Party. My friend from back home see's the news and calls me, tells me I need to call back to the Portland PD and tell them I called this in back in December. I make the call, and an hour later two FBI agents are coming to pick me up at my job, taking me home and taking my entire computer to be analyzed. We sit in my living room and I'm questioned over and over about my involvement and if I was really planning to commit suicide. I kept telling them over and over that I just talked to the guy as a joke - thought it was some sort of prank and that I only called the cops when he started talking about some woman from Portland bringing her kids too - and I'd given all the info to the Portland PD officer's back in December, how was I supposed to know they never did anything with it? Which they didn't - they sat on it - probably shredded it, and never even sent any of the info to Klamath Falls. The agents tell me the story has gotten a lot bigger and that Krien had contacted hundreds of people, at least thirty had agreed to come on Valentine's Day to his house and commit suicide together. One woman, her parents found some emails between she and Krien and called the police; that's how they finally got involved - not from me nearly two months ago, this happened less than week before Valentine's Day. I'm freaked out, they drop me back off at the college and I tell my boss everything that's happened. She tells me that reporters have been calling non-stop since I left wanting to talk to me - she said she didn't give them my cell phone number, but that she thought it was only a matter of time before they showed up at the office. I was a student worker, my name is on the campus website/directory etc - if the AP got a hold of a police report, there was no saying how fast they could start tracking me down. I call my mom, tell her what's happened - she tells me she'll be up that evening to come get me and bring me home for a break. I take four days off , turn in what assignments I have left - the FBI has the rest on my tower and head off to Eastern Oregon to wait out the media. BIG mistake - HUGE. Because by the time I made it back home that night they'd already tracked down my brother, and my sister in law thought it was so cool that ABC and CNN wanted to talk to me she gave them my parents address and my cell phone number - she's an idiot. I was harassed, chased down and semi-terrorized until I FINALLY gave an interview to Good Morning America. I hoped it would die down then, the story was out - WHO CARES. Wrong - WRONG! Apparently every freakin' out let cares until you give them the 15 seconds of conversation the others didn't get. I had my 15 seconds of fame, and I never want to deal with that shit again - Krien is still sitting in the Salem state hospital for his crimes of solicitation to commit murder. Mr. Have you ever thought of Suicide? Let's not meet in real life.

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OCD and Me — The Story So Far

I am not officially diagnosed with OCD but I am pretty confident I have it after talking to people who have it and doing research. It is a serious mental illness. It is different for everybody. When somebody says that they “are so OCD”, they are misunderstanding what it is. They usually say that after they do full cleaning or organizing session. That isn’t OCD. That is just being clean. They don’t realize that OCD has a variety of symptoms. My OCD is more of obsessing than acting on my impulses. Mine is more of thinking. This means that when I see something, I analyze every bit of it. I have to do certain things to satisfy my mind. My OCD started after a bad car accident in 6th grade. I believe this the event that triggered my OCD into full swing. The main symptom of my OCD is patterns. You know how on shows with geniuses, they show their point of view with diagrams and equations? That’s sort of what it’s like for me. If you look at 5 dots, you see 5 dots. If I look at 5 dots, I see a pattern. My patterns are usually skipping items. I will go to the 1st dot, 3rd dot and 5th dot and will be satisfied. If there is an even number of dots, it won’t satisfy me. I will find ways to arrange the dots or objects to be odd. If I can’t, it will bother me and I will keep going over it again and again because I am obsessed that there is no solution. This also stems into my obsession over odd numbers. I know that odd numbers result in being satisfied. This is the best way I can show the way I see 5 dots. My mind tells me to choose the odd numbers. Another symptom of my OCD that is bothersome is checking for signs of illness. This symptom came after my type 1 diabetes diagnosis. I think this came because I missed my symptoms for so long that it almost sent me into a coma, and I don’t want to miss another diagnosis that could kill me. For example, if you get a sniffle and runny nose, you see a cold and treat it like nothing. If I get the same symptoms, my mind starts thinking that it could be pneumonia or another serious illness. If I’m sick, I check my lymph nodes when I wake up. I check to make sure I don’t have rashes. I check my ketones to make sure my kidneys aren’t poisoning me from diabetes. You are supposed to check your ketones when you are vomiting. It’s like a switch in my mind that I can’t turn off. I recently got a Fitbit Blaze so I don’t have to check my pulse constantly and make sure my heart is beating right. The scariest symptom I have is when I drop something. If you drop a paper or something, you might pick it up, you might not. If I drop something and contemplate leaving it, my mind starts to think about all the bad things that could happen. If I accidentally drop a pen, I will think about leaving it. When I have that thought, my mind goes to another place. It thinks that my dog will get the pen and eat it and ingest the ink, causing her to die. It sounds drastic, but that’s what my mind thinks. I can’t stop my mind from wandering there. After that thought, I will pick up the pen. One of the more recent symptoms that developed is making sure the doors are locked. It may seem like an everyday thing, but to me, it is checking 2 or 3 times to make sure it is locked. I have 3 doors to lock. I will lock them 1 time. I will go back around all 3 doors to make sure they are all locked. My mind tells me that if the door isn’t locked, somebody will come into the house and hide out and hurt me and my family. Again, drastic but my mind is powerful. As you can see, I have a lot of things to deal with on a daily basis. OCD causes me to lose sleep. I will look for patterns in my room. I will keep recalling whether or not I locked the doors before I went to bed. If I am unable to find patterns or I try to fight my symptoms, I get anxiety. I get anxiety going to doctor appointments because I am afraid they will find something serious that I missed and it can’t be treated. I always carry a pen with me because when my anxiety gets up, I have to fidget and do something with my hands. I will take my pen and start clicking it. If it doesn’t click, I will keep removing and replacing the cap. I bite the end of my pen caps. OCD is a serious illness. It causes people to stay in their homes and not leave. It causes people to scrub their hands raw. It causes my mind to never quiet down. My mind races at a pace of 1,000 miles an hour. I will eventually seek out a therapists help. I have a support system from my family and friends. They support me through everything. Until I seek out a therapists help, my friends and family are helping me cope.

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02 Mar 17

My alters and I

I don’t understand why I can’t be me! A minimum of two personalities seem to live within me. Each serving their duty at a certain time in my life but they seem to ignore metamorphosis and cooperation. The insecure boyish self — “Pam”- caused and still causes me the most trouble. She questions everyones intentions, sincerity and judgement. Judgement in the existence of her or her value. Intentions are always negative, selfish and destructive. Sincerity was so rare that Pam never understood its real purpose. She fought for attention which she associates with meaningfulness. Not learning the means to form healthy, organic and balanced friendships. One who doesn’t see his/her own value makes it hard for others to love them. Happiness seems to be a disease that need to be cured with manipulation. No matter how much appreciation she receives, she downplays the importance. She is loud and can’t be by herself . Over acting, bragging, lost of self-control are her means to case the skewed dream of belonging — unachievable with these ways. There is the powerhouse — “L” — who flourishes in a challenging and creative environment. She has no actual goal she wants to achieve in her career. The journey and it’s sacrifices define her purpose in life. Being at her best when she can rebel agains something or someone. Challenging herself to prove to be capable of mastering or outdoing the opponent. Her wars are never personal but with herself. Deep within herself, she wants to be loved and find her place in society. She rarely allows her vulnerable side to surface and is surprised that when she does, her surrounding is confused and surprised. The only currency she accepts is success, knowledge and confidence. Alienating, distancing herself and dominating situations and others. In the next moment however downplaying herself to fit in. She knows of her capabilities, fortunes and value which she doesn’t praise modestly in moments of alcohol or drug induced states of mind. Sober she is ashamed of this arrogance and plays down her assets. She is confident, smart and hardworking but has no healthy relationship to these assets. A networker par excellence The least valued by herself yet beloved by others is — “Mother”- the always caring, helpful and warm personality. She is there when needed and gives her all to support and care for others. Others wellbeing is her main priority. Going out of her way to create a comfortable atmosphere. Providing a home to who ever needs one. Being selfless to an unhealthy extend, always caring more about others then herself. She believes that only when one gives everything that one can experience happiness. Being that caring drowns all her energy or she is overwhelmed by the responsibility she took on. That is when she disappears to recharge and protect herself. This personality is very inconsistent and most vulnerable to being overpowered by Pat or L. Self-perception is dominated by weakness in showing emotions and opening the heart. The most playful personality is -”Lenny”- a cheeky, playful and charming side that mostly blossoms with the presence of children. He simplifies the world and acts on intuition. Only the present moment is what matters. Wealth, possessions and tactics are unknown to him. The heart guides the way and the gut decides the direction. Free spirited, he forgets the world around him and is with himself. He flirts without understanding the purpose or potential consequences for an adult. Hugging, kissing and attention are ways to discover the world, show interest and form a bond. Without them there is emptiness in his world and all his love seems lost. The adult reality with its rules is ignored in order to stay in the moment. He hopes that his understanding of forming a bond is universally shared but fails therewith in the adult world. Therefore he is confronted with situations that he can’t comprehend. He goes along, believing in the good. What happens then is often erased from his memory in order to have to hand over to another personality. In the worst case an other personality — like L - has to intervene, scolds Lenny and banishes him. Leaving behind sadness, emptiness and shame. They are all part of me. I need to start to value them instead of playing them out against each other. Lenny allows me to live in the now. Treasuring moments, interactions and displaying unconditional affection. He is my cheeky, playful and innocent side. Mother balances all my personalities and enforces empathy, understanding and thoughtfulness. She needs to find an equilibrium of caring without giving up oneself. Her strength will stabilize me and help grow a healthy self-esteem and relations. L needs to work out my true capabilities and preferences. They need then to be strengthened, affirmed and embedded in my personality. Accepting help, enforcing empathy and healthy confidence are her main challanges, but she can count on Mother for support. Pam needs to talk more to L and Mother. Growing to like myself in all aspects is her task. Letting go of old beliefs will take time but is something she is equipped to do. When Lenny puts himself in danger she has to be the big sister and step in to protect him. Transforming her self-destructive energy in a positive asset that is valued and needed. Her energy can carry me a long way if it is applied correctly.

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I wholeheartedly agree with what you are saying. I also see those qualities in me due to my illness, and I am thankful for that. I know we see how we handle our bipolar diagnosis differently, because we are two different individuals with different prior knowledge and experience backing us up. This is just my perspective on how I handle my own illness. Thank you for sharing yours as well :)

years ago I began long distance running because it provided me temporary relief from my suffering. I thought it would get better but it never has. I try hard to have a positive outlook but I just don't find anything about life joyful anymore. I have a strong impostor syndrome and none of my achievements seem like achievements. I feel like I have no friends. I am finding it harder and harder to make new friends. I feel like I am a burden on my family and it is hard to get anyone to understand me. They just don't know what it's like. I find that my friends and family seem more sympathetic to strangers they don't know but when it comes to someone they know they can't offer the same sympathy. Why is that? They think you are needy or want attention . Anyway, I don't see the point in anything. I am unable to feel happy for anyone. I just want it all to end.

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I love writing.
Computer Science Student @ NTU


I am an ex-drug addict who would like to share a short story of my life here in hopes that it would help others in similar situation. I have been clean for 5 years and everyday is still a struggle. The pull towards the forbidden still haunts me daily. Some days are easier. Others, not so easy. If I had been wiser in my youthful days, I wouldn't have even tried. Like the saying goes, "Prevention is always better than curing." However, for those of you that are using and want to try to quit, please don't think that there is no hope for you. It might be difficult to pull yourself out from the hole but you need to find your saviour. Your saviour can be a person, a thing or even an activity. For me, it is music. I've always loved playing music and dreamt of performing with my own band. This dream is what helped me out of the grasp of drugs. I couldn't play properly when I'm high and I sure as hell wasn't getting any permission to stay in any band when I constantly didn't turn up for practice because I was too fucking high to care. I just want everyone who has dabbled in drugs know that it is POSSIBLE to break free if that is what you want. It is not going to be easy. I am not promising a walk in the park. I am talking about curdling on your bed, sweating profusely and having seizures cause your body is demanding that you poison it again. I am talking about facing judgemental gazes when strangers know about your past. But it is possible to enjoy the fruits of your effort as you are free from the chains of addiction. Free to pursue your dream and spend quality time with family and friends. So I would like to end this post with a good luck wish. Good luck to all those who want to try to get clean. And congrats to those who have managed to be clean! I wish you luck and strength everyday. And hope you all had a happy CNY!

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