How it feels to attempt suicide
It felt sad. That after 38 years, this is all my life had become. A misery I could no longer stand to be in.
I had been suicidal since I was fourteen years old, because of something that happened to me (at my father's hands). Since then I had behaved in a manner that indicated a real lack of care regarding my own survival.
I joined the Marines, and volunteered for dangerous things, drove too fast, got involved in things that might get me killed, and on and on. I just didn't care about being alive.
Along the way, the one constant companion to my life was the idea, "if things get too bad, I'll just kill myself".
This constant daily thought consumed everything I did, and also allowed me to be reckless and carefree about far too many things. The idea that I had a free pass to behave in anyway I chose to, led me to harm a lot of good people.
I didn't love myself and couldn't understand why anyone else could. I always assumed that there was some other motive behind their affections. I went out of my way to destroy every relationship I ever had.
Once my third wife and I separated , I really had nothing to lose anymore. She had been the first woman I had decided to stay in love with, and things went south anyway. I gave up. On everything.
I committed a bunch of "white collar" crimes, stole a lot of money from some local banks, and hit the road. I had 19 warrants by the time I was done with life.
At this point, I really had nothing left to lose, and in my mind something to gain from suicide. I would at least be spared spending the rest of my life in a prison cell. Which is where I was headed if I got caught.
On the evening of my death, I purchased 22 Xanax ladders, and a fifth of Jose Cuervo. I lived on Sanibel Island, about a half mile from the beach. I drove out to the beach, took my Glock .40 caliber semi-automatic, the Xanax, and the tequila, and went for a walk.
I sat down on the sand, and had a talk with a god I didn't believe in, I remember saying, "God if you exist, and you love me, you'll save me". I didn't see how anything could stop me at this point. I was on a deserted beach at 3 AM, the draw bridge had just gone up, so no ambulance was coming to save me, even if I was found.
I swallowed the Xanax, and drank as much of the tequila as I could, in a hurry. I carried it with me as I walked out into the water. When I got about waist deep, I drank some more, built up some courage and put the gun to my head. My idea was, I will shoot myself and die, but I have heard so many stories about people messing this part up, so I took out insurance. Even if I messed up the gun part, I would drown in the water. If that didn't do it, I knew the tequila-xanax cocktail would surely finish me off.
I passed out before the gun went off.
Unbeknownst to me, a Sanibel K-9 officer was walking his dog on the beach that evening. He later told me at the hospital that his dog never raises any hell at night, and usually just sleeps through the evening. This night was different. The dog would not stop barking to be let out, and when he let him out, the dog went to the gate and began barking again. He reluctantly put on some shorts and a shirt and took him for a walk on the beach.
The dog spotted me as I fell into the water. Once the dog took off after me, about 300' from his recollection, he noticed something in the water too. The dog got to me first, and then the officer. They pulled me out of the water, and by now I had already drowned. He radioed for assistance, and began CPR.
I woke up three days later from a coma, and I was bewildered to say the least. I was alive in spite of my best efforts.
I am glad I was saved. I consider it a miracle, but you can chalk it up to an excellent first response infrastructure if you like.
I am no longer suicidal, and even though I spent seven years in prison for my crimes, I have more going for me now than I have ever had in the past. I have learned that life is an experience and there is nothing better than experiencing life. With all of its tragedy, joy, and enlightenment. There is more to life than we can ever fit in a sentence, paragraph, or even a library.
I love being alive.