02 Mar 17

My alters and I

I don’t understand why I can’t be me! A minimum of two personalities seem to live within me. Each serving their duty at a certain time in my life but they seem to ignore metamorphosis and cooperation.

The insecure boyish self — “Pam”- caused and still causes me the most trouble. She questions everyones intentions, sincerity and judgement. Judgement in the existence of her or her value. Intentions are always negative, selfish and destructive. Sincerity was so rare that Pam never understood its real purpose. She fought for attention which she associates with meaningfulness. Not learning the means to form healthy, organic and balanced friendships. One who doesn’t see his/her own value makes it hard for others to love them. Happiness seems to be a disease that need to be cured with manipulation.

No matter how much appreciation she receives, she downplays the importance. She is loud and can’t be by herself . Over acting, bragging, lost of self-control are her means to case the skewed dream of belonging — unachievable with these ways.

There is the powerhouse — “L” — who flourishes in a challenging and creative environment. She has no actual goal she wants to achieve in her career. The journey and it’s sacrifices define her purpose in life. Being at her best when she can rebel agains something or someone. Challenging herself to prove to be capable of mastering or outdoing the opponent. Her wars are never personal but with herself. Deep within herself, she wants to be loved and find her place in society. She rarely allows her vulnerable side to surface and is surprised that when she does, her surrounding is confused and surprised. The only currency she accepts is success, knowledge and confidence. Alienating, distancing herself and dominating situations and others. In the next moment however downplaying herself to fit in. She knows of her capabilities, fortunes and value which she doesn’t praise modestly in moments of alcohol or drug induced states of mind. Sober she is ashamed of this arrogance and plays down her assets. She is confident, smart and hardworking but has no healthy relationship to these assets.

A networker par excellence
The least valued by herself yet beloved by others is — “Mother”- the always caring, helpful and warm personality. She is there when needed and gives her all to support and care for others. Others wellbeing is her main priority. Going out of her way to create a comfortable atmosphere. Providing a home to who ever needs one. Being selfless to an unhealthy extend, always caring more about others then herself. She believes that only when one gives everything that one can experience happiness. Being that caring drowns all her energy or she is overwhelmed by the responsibility she took on. That is when she disappears to recharge and protect herself. This personality is very inconsistent and most vulnerable to being overpowered by Pat or L. Self-perception is dominated by weakness in showing emotions and opening the heart.

The most playful personality is -”Lenny”- a cheeky, playful and charming side that mostly blossoms with the presence of children. He simplifies the world and acts on intuition. Only the present moment is what matters. Wealth, possessions and tactics are unknown to him. The heart guides the way and the gut decides the direction. Free spirited, he forgets the world around him and is with himself. He flirts without understanding the purpose or potential consequences for an adult. Hugging, kissing and attention are ways to discover the world, show interest and form a bond. Without them there is emptiness in his world and all his love seems lost. The adult reality with its rules is ignored in order to stay in the moment. He hopes that his understanding of forming a bond is universally shared but fails therewith in the adult world. Therefore he is confronted with situations that he can’t comprehend. He goes along, believing in the good. What happens then is often erased from his memory in order to have to hand over to another personality. In the worst case an other personality — like L - has to intervene, scolds Lenny and banishes him. Leaving behind sadness, emptiness and shame.
They are all part of me. I need to start to value them instead of playing them out against each other.

Lenny allows me to live in the now. Treasuring moments, interactions and displaying unconditional affection. He is my cheeky, playful and innocent side.
Mother balances all my personalities and enforces empathy, understanding and thoughtfulness. She needs to find an equilibrium of caring without giving up oneself. Her strength will stabilize me and help grow a healthy self-esteem and relations.

L needs to work out my true capabilities and preferences. They need then to be strengthened, affirmed and embedded in my personality. Accepting help, enforcing empathy and healthy confidence are her main challanges, but she can count on Mother for support.

Pam needs to talk more to L and Mother. Growing to like myself in all aspects is her task. Letting go of old beliefs will take time but is something she is equipped to do. When Lenny puts himself in danger she has to be the big sister and step in to protect him. Transforming her self-destructive energy in a positive asset that is valued and needed. Her energy can carry me a long way if it is applied correctly.

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07 Feb 17

I'll not mince words. Plain and simple, it sucks. If they came up with a cure, I'd be the first in line. I hate being at the mercy of my neurology, of having to rely on medication and therapy just to be able to do the normal everyday things that other people can do effortlessly, with having lost entire years down the dark hole of depression and mood swings.

That said, it can be done. I'm doing it. I accept my illness and I do my best to work with it. But it makes life so much harder, not just the big things but the simple things like waking up, getting showered and dressed and going to work are monumental tasks sometimes.

Medication and therapy are essential. I survived without them for years, but it took medication and therapy to give me the opportunity to not just survive, but to live.

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